Over the years we have heard the calls for the decriminalisation of drugs, prostitution and homosexuality. What we haven’t heard the call for is the decriminalisation of the single mother.
You may ask, “Well who is criminalising the single mother and by what means is she being criminalised?” How did you arrive at the conclusion that she is being criminalised when our society is comprised of single mothers who do a stellar job in raising their children? How is she being criminalised when we give her so many accolades?Now, society, do we really give her accolades? Well maybe we do, but when are these accolades given? Isn’t it after she has proven herself? Isn’t it after she had toiled and struggled immensely in raising upstanding citizens? It definitely isn’t when she had begun the journey of single motherhood.
It is my opinion, and I reiterate, my opinion that we view the single mother, especially if she is quite young as the cause of ALL societal ills. Some of us may not vocalize this but we think it and whether it is by our actions or inactions we let her know that this is the case. We let her know that we disapprove of her. We let her know that we think that she has committed a criminal act by being a single mother.
Our thoughts are that this female, knowing that she is ill-equipped, whether it is emotionally unprepared or not financially sound has chosen to bring one, two, three or more children into this world. She does this knowing that times have changed. She does this knowing that she may have little or no help in raising them. She is blameworthy as she should have been more responsible.
We say, “Look how she go let sheself get breed off no…this aint like once ago they have so many methods of contraception…is pure carelessness and willfulness that… me arm peets she breed again… these young people aint thinking…they don’t like themselves…”
The thing that irks me at times is that some of the same people who are making these remarks have walked the same path that these young mothers are walking and instead of lending a hand of support or a word of encouragement they join the fray and chastise them.
We don’t criminalise the men. As my mother aptly told me the other day, “You don’t see cock walking with no chicken behind it, is the hen you always see with the chicks.”
The single mother wears the scarlet letter. She holds the burden of proof, not the man. She is the one with the impregnated belly. She is the one with the one, two, three or more children in tow. She is the one who gets the looks of disdain. She is the one who bears the brunt of the remarks and advice that society so readily spews. Again, we don’t criminalise the man who impregnated her. We criminalise her. The fact that she has all of these children is her fault. It is seen as willful, negligent and criminal.
On Mother’s Day many churches honour mothers during the service. There are several gifts that are distributed. There is the gift for the oldest mother in church, not the oldest married mother but the oldest mother and then there is a gift for the youngest married mother.
Now you may say that the church is a moral institution and that by awarding the youngest mother, that this may be seen as enabling, but isn’t the youngest mother, a mother? Is she less of a mother, less of a woman; is her child less of a child? Wouldn’t you think that by acknowledging her status as mother, that she would be proud to be a mother, that she would view her role as all important and not as a burden? Don’t you think that she needs more support than the married mother?
Now let me tell you what would happen here. She feels slighted. She is shamed. This single mother who needs the support, whose child needs the biblical teachings instilled in him or her would no longer feel welcomed at church and won’t return.
It is not my intention to “call out” the church but the same can be said for baptism. The single mother approaches baptismal counseling with trepidation, as the first thing she is asked is, where is the father of your child? Some pastors even refuse to baptize the child unless the father shows up. This is added pressure for the mother. She cannot control this man, so why refuse her child the sacrament of baptism because he fails to show up?
This should be an indicator that this mother is clearly “on her own.” She needs to be welcomed into your fold. She needs support. At baptismal counseling the focus isn’t the sacrament of baptism; how this child is going to be welcomed into the fold or what support services the church has available for mothers, but rather chastisement. The mother receives a sermon on how she has sinned. She is told that should she have any other children out of wedlock she shouldn’t approach the church for baptism.
I can go into a doctrine about what Jesus says about suffering the little children but that is another discourse. I attended baptismal counseling as a godparent and the “liberty” that pastor took with my friend, if that were me, I would have walked out.
The pastor, whom she had just met, as she had not been to church in quite some time, knew her entire life story and begun preaching to her about the type of life that she had been living. He made it crystal clear that the church was doing her a favour. He noted that had it not been for her aunt who was a leader in the church, he would have refused to baptize her son.
When we left she remarked, “I had all intention of going back church because of my son, I want him to raise up in the church, but when he done christen that’s it. I am finding another church.”
Then we go on the pulpit and remark on how morally bankrupt and crime ridden our nation is, and criticize other churches by saying that they have no standards or morals, when they offer support and agree to baptize those children that we have turned away.
One can say that we have come a long way, as in past times only “lawful” children were allowed baptism during the Sunday service. The child of the single mother was baptized on a weekday. Could you imagine that? I wonder what Jesus would have said to that, as if this child is less than a child, as if this mother didn’t go through the nine months of pregnancy and arduous labour in bringing this child into the world.
I can hear the remarks now, “This is pure slackness… how dare you… nobody going tell us how to run we church…the church is an institution of morals… we not bending our rules…this aint no scamby namby business…this article is blasphemous…”
Have you asked what the purpose of the church is? As an institution that is in the business of saving souls, is your target audience those who sit in the pews every Sunday or those who are out there, those single mothers who are in need of support and not chastisement.
Isn’t there a hymn that goes, “there were ninety and nine that safely lay in the shelter of the fold but one was out on the hills away, far off from the gates of gold, away on the mountains wild and dare, away from the tender shepherd’s care.” This lost sheep is that struggling single mother who is in need of support. You don’t welcome her into the fold by criminalising her. You welcome her with reassurance.
Now, society, the reality is and has been that our society is comprised mostly of single mothers. This is the reality. Instead of chastising them, instead of letting them know how immoral their acts are, instead of letting them know that they are unworthy because the father of their child did not see it fit to marry them, that because they are single mothers that this is equivalent to being an unfit mother, why not lend our support.
Often times we debate on the causes of problems and how to prevent these problems, what we fail to do is to find means of dealing with these problems and when I say dealing I don’t mean in terms of eradication but rather a means of lending support, rather a means of lessening the burden.
The single mother needs support. She doesn’t just need financial support but she needs emotional support. She not only needs the support of family and friends but she needs society’s support as well. What we do is criminalise her and shame her.
As our nation celebrates 27 years of Independence under the theme Strengthening the Family, let’s be aware that in order to strengthen the family we have to provide support to the person who heads the family and often times that person is a single mother trying her best to raise her children with many obstacles. Instead of judging her or chastising her let us lend a hand of support.
September 22, 2010
caribbeannewsnow
